6.8 miles below the sea is the Marianas Trench, and 6.8 miles below that is the bar Trump set for Biden.

I’m looking forward to sweating the small stuff again.

Easy compromise: Lower the maximum wage to $15/hour.

Come for @AnthonyAnderson’s incredible Michael Jordan stories, stay for the surprise @DeonCole cameo. Listen @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/kksJhz2sWO

The great thing about xylophones is.

More humiliating for Trump than impeachment: When he finally exits the White House, instead of a helicopter, send a Kia Soul.

I didn't want to use the word "Orwellian" in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

RT @TeamCoco: Welcome to the Team Coco Podcasts family, @NicoleByer! On today's episode of "Why Won't You Date Me?" @ConanOBrien tries to help Nicole figure out why she's still single. Listen and subscribe on @ApplePodcasts. https://t.co/fhng47FLxG https://t.co/kKKxAio2hx

“This impeachment gives me one last chance to salvage my reputation!” shouts Rudy Giuliani, as he ladles baked beans into his briefcase.

Samantha won’t return to Sex and the City because the character is now a QAnon Congresswoman from Florida.

What's the best vaccine? Pfizer, Moderna or Dave's Hot Vaccines?

I loved reminiscing with Fred Armisen about all those years I spent bullying him in the hallways of 30 Rock. Hear our conversation @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/4f7eiPGRYm

Thank you Arnold -- this is the most powerful and uniquely personal statement I've heard from ANYONE on where we are right now as a country. https://t.co/X3YdsmbAJ7

Now what am I supposed to do with my 89 million Parler followers?

After the horrible attack on our nation's Capitol yesterday, I wanted to talk to someone with a unique perspective on the Republican Party and what it has become. My conversation with Ron Reagan is available now. https://t.co/U1nBgNsaRO

Happy two-week birthday, Jesus! (It never hurts to kiss a little deity ass).

Excited for Fashion Week 2021, I can’t wait to see what this year’s cardboard cutouts will be wearing.

Now Trump is asking Georgia to find a 7th season of Schitt's Creek.

Spoke with my friend @ohsnapjbsmoove about his legendary SNL pitches, immaculate wardrobe, and previous life as a fire extinguisher salesman. Listen @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/bVOnOHDQC5

It's almost like Mitch McConnell behaves the way he thinks a guy with a face like that should behave.