To save water, I’m cutting my showers in half to one a month.

Was thrilled to surprise my live audience at @Wiltern with one of the funniest and most talented people I know, Bill Hader. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/ks6jc4NEuD

My fan Lindsay gets people "naked and salty" in float tanks for a living. Hear all about it @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/tDCoGYWvMI

I threw a potato at Elle Fanning in a past life and she came on my podcast for revenge. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/EZEnKtAzGu

And on Saturday the 14th, Jason rested.

Just had to tell my kids their inheritance is all Mr. Bean NFT’s.

Proof that there’s a just God: the Winklevoss twins are now only single-digit billionaires.

They just found some of my old monologues at the bottom of Lake Mead.

The takeaway from this fan interview: power tools are dangerous and chickens are assholes. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/E6W4vCDQ3z

Was delighted to chat with @PFTompkins about his first time on my late night show, his John Wilkes Booth-inspired attire, and why it’s never too late to have a sex party. https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/NwCDjQZXgT

All my wife wants for Mother’s Day is two years of alone time.

It's been an honor celebrating #CollegeSigningDay with @MichelleObama over the years. Wishing the best of luck to the class of 2022. @BetterMakeRoom @ReachHigher https://t.co/tw2VhqA3q2

I’m glad he went to medical school, because “Mr. Strange” lacks oomph.

Mother’s Day is Sunday, so only 4 days left until my last minute trip to Rite Aid.

Thinking of dying my hair neon pink after meeting my fan Melissa. Thoughts? https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/l1lqkM5Zwa

I adore John @Mulaney but this conversation went off the rails quickly. Our apologies to The Muppets, Wheel of Fortune, and Julian Lennon. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/WYuSMOlYpE

I love Money Heist but damnit, when will someone make Monkey Heist?

Once again, I’ve waited to the last second to buy a Maypole.

My family has politely declined to be part of the Conan multiverse.

I’d like to remind NFL teams that I’m in decent shape and just cured my plantar fasciitis.