
- Posts 3,435
- Updates 21 godzin temu
To save water, I’m cutting my showers in half to one a month.
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Was thrilled to surprise my live audience at @Wiltern with one of the funniest and most talented people I know, Bill Hader. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/ks6jc4NEuD
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My fan Lindsay gets people "naked and salty" in float tanks for a living. Hear all about it @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/tDCoGYWvMI
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I threw a potato at Elle Fanning in a past life and she came on my podcast for revenge. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/EZEnKtAzGu
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And on Saturday the 14th, Jason rested.
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Just had to tell my kids their inheritance is all Mr. Bean NFT’s.
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Proof that there’s a just God: the Winklevoss twins are now only single-digit billionaires.
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They just found some of my old monologues at the bottom of Lake Mead.
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The takeaway from this fan interview: power tools are dangerous and chickens are assholes. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/E6W4vCDQ3z
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Was delighted to chat with @PFTompkins about his first time on my late night show, his John Wilkes Booth-inspired attire, and why it’s never too late to have a sex party. https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/NwCDjQZXgT
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All my wife wants for Mother’s Day is two years of alone time.
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It's been an honor celebrating #CollegeSigningDay with @MichelleObama over the years. Wishing the best of luck to the class of 2022. @BetterMakeRoom @ReachHigher https://t.co/tw2VhqA3q2
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I’m glad he went to medical school, because “Mr. Strange” lacks oomph.
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Mother’s Day is Sunday, so only 4 days left until my last minute trip to Rite Aid.
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Thinking of dying my hair neon pink after meeting my fan Melissa. Thoughts? https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/l1lqkM5Zwa
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I adore John @Mulaney but this conversation went off the rails quickly. Our apologies to The Muppets, Wheel of Fortune, and Julian Lennon. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/WYuSMOlYpE
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I love Money Heist but damnit, when will someone make Monkey Heist?
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Once again, I’ve waited to the last second to buy a Maypole.
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My family has politely declined to be part of the Conan multiverse.
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I’d like to remind NFL teams that I’m in decent shape and just cured my plantar fasciitis.
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