Will @JackBlack rise to the occasion? I'm terrified. https://t.co/m7gjvBjJj5

Likely ruined my fan Mohammed's DJ career as a result of this interview, but at least I figured out my DJ name. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/pHEvjfQpNi

The only thing I know for sure about any show I do at HBOMax is that Jean Smart will be starring in it.

As I wrap up my nightly show, no one keeps me humble like my comedy hero Martin Short. https://t.co/CEoXueQ3UK

Did the slip n' slide cause the diarrhea, or did the diarrhea cause the slip n' slide?

Kathryn Hahn probably owes thousands of dollars to the 5th Ave Banana Republic in New York City. Find out why @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/kRSzhcBzsh

Sometimes gross? A French kiss.
Always gross? A French kiss on the cheek.

99% of us are merely tolerating you, celery.

Meet Jenny, a fan and energy lawyer, who will probably be disbarred after this interview airs. https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/wVEc94a0bH

Being a grownup is great, but sometimes I miss crying until someone feeds me.

"You can't make this stuff up" is the most pre-internet phrase ever.

Yes, I did physically attack @JohnKrasinski when he was an intern at my show, but in my defense, how was I to know he’d someday become a massive star? https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/C9bln5vYca

Someone suggested that I take private yoga classes. That someone was my yoga class.

The CDC has been eerily silent on whether vaccinated people can lick every joystick in a Dave & Busters.

no mask who dis

Shout-out to Sasha, a fan from Ukraine, who stayed up until 2 am to chat with me about Dungeons & Dragons, weird jobs, and his comically large teacup. https://t.co/pfOk23nSHZ https://t.co/0dpJSDVPmE

Going through old footage from my years in late night, and was surprised to discover from 2012-2014 CONAN was actually just a panda sanctuary live cam.

Half the USA is vaccinated. The other half thought 2020 was just too much fun.

Listen to President @BarackObama and I discuss everything from the future of our nation and his philosophy on dancing, to that time he was my opening comedy act. This conversation was an honor and a joy. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/DBiosNFX9e

Due to cash problems, Donald Trump's Florida home had to take on a sponsor and is now Mar-a-Lego. (thought of this tweet at the urinal)